GUANGXI ZHUANG PROVINCE — The question Chinese citizens are asking is “How can we sustain our fortunate absence of females while maintaining our globe-crushing population?” Visitors to the ancient nation ask, “Why would anyone want to live in this god-forsaken cock farm?”
The sobering answer is that this vast country, boasting the world's fastest-growing economy, is confronting a self-perpetuated demographic conundrum that a fading minority of Chinese describes as “a total buzz kill.” The Asian man-fest phenomenon is caused by millions of families resorting to abortion and infanticide to make sure their one child is male. Gu Baochang, a leading Chinese expert on family planning defines it with lyrical reasoning typical of a Chinese scholar, “Chicks suck.”
The homo-suspect bias for boys, combined with China's one-child policy imposed since 1980, has produced what Baochang lisps, “An honorable torrent of glorious male hormones.”
As desirable as it may seem to live in a country densely populated with sexually frustrated men, the world’s most populous nation is experiencing unique challenges in the face of dwindling numbers of women. But young Chinese men are committed to furthering the self-imposed cock block. “Our parties so crazy time,” boasts Yun Mao, liberal arts student at Beijing Community College. “We are wild together, with absence of inferior dog female. Women have weak back, poor eyesight.”
Peng Shi, administrator for the Beijing Medical Center, says Chinese women enjoy the abortion-centric culture. “Women’s opinions are dangerous and filled with treachery. But when it comes to aborting wretched female fetuses, even the ignorant vagina-keeper cannot deny the facts. Women are a cancerous goiter on the Chinese nation.” When asked about the inherent problems associated with coupling and procreation, Shi points out future scientific developments. “Chinese science is paving the way for man-based birthing. Uterus transplant procedures are our main focus.”
American visitors like exchange student Derek Zolinski aren’t as enthusiastic about the noticeable lack of women. “I was looking forward to meeting some hot Asian chicks, but for the last six months China has been all balls, all the time. Sure the men here are slim and hairless, but if I go to one more Karaoke man-romp I’m gonna bust a cap in a few of these long duck dongs.”
Zolinski’s ire is not unusual among westerners expecting to indulge in the pleasures of pliable yellow flesh. China’s numerous and influential sex tourists have begun to speak out against the widening gender gap. “I work hard,” explains futures trader and American ex-patriot Hans Shuman. “When I want to indulge in underage concubines, I want fresh virgins. Ten or 15 years ago that wasn’t a problem. Now I’m lucky if I get one that still smells like the last guy. It’s become a real quality issue.”
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