Pfizer Exec Talks to His Doctor, Despite Restraining Order

During his 17 years of employment with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, Solmon Ficsher revolutionized the patient-doctor relationship. It was in 1990 when Ficsher, now 47, introduced the concept of talking to your doctor without a specific reason. "Before Solmon, people only made doctor appointments when they were ill, injured, or in pain." says George Wizman, senior analyst at Pharmacological Data Systems. "Back then, people just didn't understand that physicians have plenty of extra time for vague chit-chat that will ultimately lead to an unnecessary prescription,” Wizman continued, “Solmon Ficsher had the foresight to realize America’s population was a renewable resource of undiagnosed disease. That was his ‘aha!’ moment,” recounted Wizman. That moment, according to Wizman, was when Fischer first coined the phrase which every drug company banks on: “Talk to your doctor.” Americans have been heavily medicated for superfluous and invented ailments ever since—a much-needed boon to a flagging industry.

Trouble followed success. Despite his contributions to the explosive profit pharmaceuticals enjoyed in the 1990s, too much of a good thing began crack the veneer of a man in his prime. Fischer took his catch-phrase seriously, amassing an impressive list of needless prescriptions to some of the industry’s most powerful drugs. But it wasn’t the drugs Fischer was after. The conversation was the reward. Fischer’s attorney says it was the doctors who let him down. “My client did what every intelligent American should do—he talked to his doctor. He talked about everything; hobbies, religion, weather patterns, online gaming communities, you know, typical doctor-patient fare.”

But some say Fischer went too far when he ran out of things to talk about. Lively banter was replaced with repeat subject matter and awkward silence. Still, he scheduled his appointments. It wasn’t long before doctors across New London went out of their way to avoid him. “I had an elaborate system of signals in place for my office staff to warn me when Mr. Fischer would come in,” admits Dr. Uri Valrupa. “I prescribed everything I could get my hands on, but he kept coming back for the conversation. It was totally awkward. I was very uncomfortable with the lack of interesting topics,” Dr. Valrupa continued, “I knew he hit rock-bottom when he asked me how many types of paper bedcovers there are. That was just sad.”

Dr. Valrupa joined a legal-action group against Fischer in November, 2006. He and 17 other physicians obtained personal protection orders restricting Fischer’s contact. But in December, Ficsher was arrested for violating the order by attempting to strike up friendly conversation with several of the doctor’s as they were leaving work. He was quoted, “I want to talk to my doctor. I need to talk to my doctor.” Officials at Pfizer have declined to comment, but inside sources say there is an experimental medication already in the works that is said to limit the brain’s capacity for nonessential conversation.

Homeless Network offers Must-See TV for Growing Numbers of Destitute.

CINCINNATTI, OH—In a move that entertainment insiders call a shrewd maneuver toward marketing an untapped demographic, E.W. Scripps Company has unveiled plans to launch another of their niche-focused channels, the Homeless Living Network (HLN). The added offering would round out a popular lineup of basic cable channels developed by the media conglomerate including DIY Network, Fine Living, Food Network and Great American Country.

“This is a milestone for cable television, as well as the homeless population of America,” E.W. Scripps Company executive vice-president Richard Boehne said. “The lifestyle, home improvement and leisure resources of our existing sister networks will dovetail seamlessly into the Homeless Living Network to provide valuable entertainment for the mentally ill, drug addicts, vagrants and outcasts in every city of this great country.”

Entertainment insiders are applauding the news as a breath of fresh air in a urine-soaked demographic. “The Homeless Living Network will be a much-needed source of fun living tips and riveting reality shows for a group of people who have very real style issues. You’ve seen their handwritten ‘Will work for food’ signs—so drab and unoriginal. Imagine what a little extra flair of Japanese calligraphy could do for that cliché yawner of self-promotion,” said Charisse Bennett, entertainment columnist for Salon.com. “Networks have already saturated the market for every other demographic with channels like Spike, TV for men; Oxygen, TV for women; Telemundo, TV for cleaning ladies. Homeless people are finally being recognized as a vastly under-entertained populace. Added up as a group, their discretionary income collected from begging is widely untapped. ”

Expectations run high for the Homeless Living Network’s core lineup which includes a powerhouse Thursday schedule including Trading Boxes, a show in which homeless friends spruce up each other’s makeshift hovels and reveal the results in the final minutes. Lucky participants are driven to dumpsters behind fine restaurants for unlimited rummaging. Whatever they can carry back to the “HLN Style Bus” is a guaranteed score for their unsuspecting street pal. A stipend of $20 is given to both indigents to spend on each other how they see fit—with a stipulation that personal items such as clothing and footwear are strictly off-limits.

Sex-Selective Abortion in China Creates Massive Sausage-Fest

GUANGXI ZHUANG PROVINCE — The question Chinese citizens are asking is “How can we sustain our fortunate absence of females while maintaining our globe-crushing population?” Visitors to the ancient nation ask, “Why would anyone want to live in this god-forsaken cock farm?”

The sobering answer is that this vast country, boasting the world's fastest-growing economy, is confronting a self-perpetuated demographic conundrum that a fading minority of Chinese describes as “a total buzz kill.” The Asian man-fest phenomenon is caused by millions of families resorting to abortion and infanticide to make sure their one child is male. Gu Baochang, a leading Chinese expert on family planning defines it with lyrical reasoning typical of a Chinese scholar, “Chicks suck.”

The homo-suspect bias for boys, combined with China's one-child policy imposed since 1980, has produced what Baochang lisps, “An honorable torrent of glorious male hormones.”

As desirable as it may seem to live in a country densely populated with sexually frustrated men, the world’s most populous nation is experiencing unique challenges in the face of dwindling numbers of women. But young Chinese men are committed to furthering the self-imposed cock block. “Our parties so crazy time,” boasts Yun Mao, liberal arts student at Beijing Community College. “We are wild together, with absence of inferior dog female. Women have weak back, poor eyesight.”

Peng Shi, administrator for the Beijing Medical Center, says Chinese women enjoy the abortion-centric culture. “Women’s opinions are dangerous and filled with treachery. But when it comes to aborting wretched female fetuses, even the ignorant vagina-keeper cannot deny the facts. Women are a cancerous goiter on the Chinese nation.” When asked about the inherent problems associated with coupling and procreation, Shi points out future scientific developments. “Chinese science is paving the way for man-based birthing. Uterus transplant procedures are our main focus.”

American visitors like exchange student Derek Zolinski aren’t as enthusiastic about the noticeable lack of women. “I was looking forward to meeting some hot Asian chicks, but for the last six months China has been all balls, all the time. Sure the men here are slim and hairless, but if I go to one more Karaoke man-romp I’m gonna bust a cap in a few of these long duck dongs.”

Zolinski’s ire is not unusual among westerners expecting to indulge in the pleasures of pliable yellow flesh. China’s numerous and influential sex tourists have begun to speak out against the widening gender gap. “I work hard,” explains futures trader and American ex-patriot Hans Shuman. “When I want to indulge in underage concubines, I want fresh virgins. Ten or 15 years ago that wasn’t a problem. Now I’m lucky if I get one that still smells like the last guy. It’s become a real quality issue.”